Rising from the ashes – In pursuit of Happiness

“You have to love yourself because no amount of love from others is sufficient to fill the yearning that your soul requires from you” - Dodinsky

Sometimes the journey to happiness can be a painful one. It might mean losing oneself completely to find oneself again. Sometimes its important to feel the depths of hopelessness to discover hope, to face deceit to know trust, to feel the pangs of pain to discover love, to live through the darkest night of the soul to discover the light.

I feel ready to face life. I guess this is as ready as I’m ever going to be. I do know if there still will be days when the empty pit of loneliness will kick aloud from my gut to my heart and let out miserable sighs of the deepest pain and sorrow. That I’d still be incredibly incomplete and have quiet the bluest of blue days, but I can still claim that I’m ready. Ready as I’m ever going to be. For forging ahead isn’t always courage; sometimes it’s pure foolhardy. I know that at times real wisdom lies in taking a step backwards if you’ve reached the edge of a foggy cliff.

I was the best version of me with him. He did not care enough for that me. He picked up that version of me and smashed it to pieces. The utter disbelief that he’d want something horrible for me, put me in a shock. But I had given him that power over me, he broke me because I let him.

And he’d cast me aside and break me down all over again. Into many more smaller pieces. I should have never bothered to put anything back in order again, for I should have anticipated then what his next move was going to be. I was broken again. Afterwards, I was this mosaic version of me. A version which was as good as dead. With no trust or faith. No blame. No shame. Nothing. What scared me the most was this void. An emptiness which keeps me in avoidance mode. I am avoiding life. Ignoring joy and don’t seek out anything anymore. Have no hope or enthusiasm. That’s an antecedent sign that I need to try at least one last time. Am I really ready?

Life. I wish it came with signposts. Turn right. Take a left. Slip road approaching. Go under the bridge. Take the flyover, continue another 2 years on this road. I want life to come with these instructions. Like a User’s Manual. I wish bulbs would light up on heads of people who were lying to us. Wish there was retribution for those who did it repeatedly. Like they’d break into a violent rash of sorts if they kept up their deception. But alas that does not happen.
I wish we’d have respite from all the truths we know. I wish we could choose what we remember and choose what we forget. How we live and die. With whom. For whom. So never does it happen to anyone, that what happened to me. So that living again just one more day isn’t a decision I make each dawn.

I had heard that someone somewhere has been created for everyone. So essentially, everyone does have that someone special meant for them. If that be true, then we need not worry about being lonely ever. But is that really so? We all fight our lonely battles, with solitude, in isolation day after day. Sometimes, even when we are with someone, we’re all alone. So, maybe it’s time for us to stop depending on these romantic ideas of soul mates predestined and pre- programmed to enter our lives when the stars are perfectly aligned.

But am I going to await a preordained moment to lend me a hand making sense of my own self ? I know that the special someone who was created for me is me. She has been with me all along.

So I am finally ready to love who I am and what I want myself to be. I’m as ready as I’m ever going to be. The dreams that whisper into my ears; can now be heard clearly over the din that the voices in my head create. I’m ready to shut down that chaotic mess my voices lead me to believe. I’m ready to hold you my dear self. Come, let me embrace you. Own you. All of you. I’m ready. I rise from the ashes – the best, the strongest and the most invincible version of me. I am woman.

The above is a story shared by one of our regular readers. Please share your stories of the pursuit of happiness with us on iamwoman@xtra.co.nz of join us on facebook at www.facebook.com/womanunlimited