Ageing parents and living overseas - The guilty expat life

Thousands of us move away from India to live the big ‘foreign’ dream. We emigrate in search of higher education, quality living, career advancement, lucrative salary packages and better lifestyle. Moving away could mean a step closer to our dream which will be viewed through the society’s lens of “success”—a stable job with a six-figure salary, happily married, living in a dreamy picket-fenced house with two children. What more could one ask for?

Lest we forget, the picture-perfect veneer of a ‘settled life’ required us to leave our parents behind. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. But it is difficult to say goodbye to drooping shoulders.

We lead a global lifestyle and seek exposure from very early age. For most of us, it begins with studying abroad, and our folks make it possible for us. They work incessantly, spare a chunk from their retirement savings, take loans and leave no stone unturned to somehow make it happen for us. They surely get expensive gifts, holiday at exotic locations and humblebrag about their sons or daughters back home.

But between the broad smiles, there is a saga of anxiety, loneliness and uncertainty which remains untold. Festivals feel mundane and simple errands like going to the doctor or bank become a task.

 They heavily depend on neighbours or close-by relatives in many instances. Parents then start socialising by engrossing themselves in mandir (temple) groups or kitty parties to curb the growing feeling of loneliness.

As an expat, we all understand the feeling of being ‘stuck in the middle’ or the idea of ‘identity crisis’ because it is hard to cut all cords. As time passes, the idea of ‘home’ seems far distant yet remains thoroughly intact through our identity and culture. We were dependent on our parents as kids but have grown up to be independent of them as adults.

However, living on another continent does not change the fact that our parents need us. So how does an expat adult look after their parents? The key lies in communication and planning.  

Thank you 'video calling'! My life revolves around Facetime, and I am quite lucky that my family is technologically advanced. But for elderly parents or grandparents who were not born as digital natives, video calling can be a burden.

Make some effort and teach them the basic functions of Skype, Facetime or WhatsApp video calling because seeing one another can make all the difference in the world. Diligently scheduling at least one video call a week is not a lot to ask for.

You could share the highlights of your week and discuss their health care at length. In this way, you could be intimately engrossed with them without being physically present.

Another important aspect is keeping a record of their health support personnel. Even though you live in a different country, make sure that you are able to contact their health support person or concern near ones in case they become incapacitated and require your help.

During a recent health hazard back home, I realised that I am placed miles away in New Zealand which is not an ideal location to reach India in a short while. Hence ensuring that one has all the necessary travel conditions fulfilled and a visa ready in case of an emergency, is extremely important.

Distance cannot lead to the demise of a relationship. Living in a distant land means that we cannot physically check on our parents but can still provide adequate care. Unable to spend quality time with ageing parents can cause frustration and can distract you from your daily life. Take time to look after yourself too and enjoy your life. Let me end this on a KJo (Karan Johar) note: it’s all about loving your parents.