New Zealand’s scenery may be world-class, but for some women, the dating landscape is proving far less appealing. After years of trying to build meaningful relationships, several migrant women say they’re giving up and moving away.
According to a report by Shilpi Arora Gaikwad of Stuff, for Ashlei Tabor, who arrived from the United States five years ago, the country delivered everything she expected: a slower pace, breathtaking landscapes and warm, easygoing people. What she didn’t find was love. Now in her mid-30s, she’s preparing to relocate to Sydney after what she calls years of “romantic disappointment”.
Tabor describes dating in New Zealand as “junior high dating”, saying social interactions often feel immature and stagnant. “People never develop proper social skills because they grow up and stay in the same friend circles their whole lives,” she said. One relationship ended when her partner cheated, but what stunned her most was how few people around her were willing to call out the behaviour. “Here, people don’t want to upset anyone,” reported Shilpi Arora Gaikwad of Stuff.
She believes the country’s famously relaxed culture sometimes spills into emotional passivity. Men overseas, she said, were more engaged and intentional. “In the States, guys actually planned things; they’d book tickets, cook dinner, make an effort.” Tired of dating apps, Tabor says she hasn’t met a single person she genuinely wanted to date in the past year.
Katy Phillips, 34, from the UK, shares similar frustrations. After nine years in New Zealand, she’s heading back to London next month, citing dating fatigue, as reported by Shilpi Arora Gaikwad of Stuff.
She describes the local dating scene as insular and passive. “If you’re not on the apps, you’re invisible. People don’t approach you in bars. It’s a small country and everyone knows everyone,” Shilpi Arora Gaikwad of Stuff quoted.
Phillips found Kiwi men gentle and humble, but emotionally closed off. “They don’t know what they want. British men might be awkward, but they’re clearer about their feelings.” She says her two long-term relationships in New Zealand never felt truly reciprocal. “I want emotional maturity. Someone self-aware. That’s been really hard to find,” as reported by Shilpi Arora Gaikwad of Stuff.
For migrants, she says, dating in New Zealand can feel especially tough. “In bigger cities overseas, people are more direct. They don’t want to waste time.” She hopes London’s diversity and openness will offer better chances at connection. “I’m not looking for a fairy tale, just better odds.”
But some argue the issue isn’t New Zealand, it’s modern dating. Aucklander Sophia Christina, 35, lived in London and found the same patterns: endless swiping, shallow interactions and fear of commitment.
“I don't think people take dating seriously anywhere,” she said. “People chase highs, avoid commitment and think a better option is one swipe away,” Shilpi Arora Gaikwad of Stuff reported.
After returning home, she turned to a matchmaker, an experience that shifted everything. Knowing both people were seeking genuine commitment made dating feel intentional, not transactional. Inspired, she launched her own matchmaking service, Shortlist, to help others bypass the chaos of dating apps.
“Genuine connections are possible anywhere,” she said. “But you have to cut the noise and focus,” reported Shilpi Arora Gaikwad of Stuff.
Massey University professor and senior clinical psychologist Kirsty Ross says successful relationships require effort, courage and clarity, qualities not always fostered by app culture.
“We grow up on movie tropes where you lock eyes and just know, but real relationships take work,” she said.
Ross believes self-awareness is central. “You can’t build anything authentic unless you know your values and expectations.” For those who feel stuck in repeated patterns, she says reflection is essential. “It’s not about blame, it’s about understanding what you’re bringing to the dynamic and how you can change it,” reported Shilpi Arora Gaikwad of Stuff.
As more women reassess their dating lives in New Zealand, one thing is clear: the search for connection is as much about the environment as it is about understanding oneself, and deciding where love might have the best chance to grow.
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